World of Illusions
Fighting for survival

let my book begin,
I started reading my writings the 11th of March 2010, it all began 26th August 2009.

I'm looking at the book.   I have written in big letters over it my eyes only, my book,  was written in a state of share panic, I have written from my soul all my frustrations and hopes, it holds all my deepest secrets for my eyes only.

So I begin, I open the book slowly ready to start reading and typing, its all such a jumble, like a child's writing, large small you name it. I wrote it down, I remember the need to record all that was happening, the pain sometimes made it near impossible, the medication made my writing sway, but I still tried to keep records, I have written just words to jog my memory later, and its working.  Yes I started this project in March 2010. 

It is now November 2011 and I am going through it adding it to this website now.  Inside the front page in large hand writing I have noted list operation, mirror purple tooth brush, bag for rubbish. dirty washing, toiletries bag little clock flannel, 2 boxes of tissues, 2 books cheap to write in, hairbrush and clips, pens.
Then in red writing Love ya two, but now my book is private this is just for me.

I think this was written in my illusion.  As the other writing are neat and in black ink.

This is a brief description of my hospital stay, and the world of illusions, where the pain sent me to. The way the mind deals with survival.

Now I can laugh about it, but at the time my heart and soul was truly broken.

My world was not reality, I struggled with survival, and as I tried to piece the puzzle back together, the journey it took me on was incredible, when I started to put pen to paper, I came to the realisation of how close to death I really was.

For ever embedded in my brain, I still have nightmares, waking up to my partner asking me what day it was, replying, Saturday, 3pm, to his reply, tears streaming down his face, Maree its Sunday 10pm.

I remember the fear, looking around the room, totally unfamiliar of where I was. Dazzed and confused, I also just burst into tears, screaming from the bottom of my soul, so loud I am sure the whole hospital shook. How are we going to survive this. 

A day I shall never forget the 26th August 2009.

I'm looking through the book's I asked my partner to bring in to the hospital.  Its quite scary because I'm about to embark on quite a horrible journey, reading what I had written over two years ago, I'm about to go back to when it all began and relive the memories of anguish and heart ache.

My first entry is, Friday night my angel nurse took off the oxygen mask, told me I was doing alright considering I only came in Wednesday.   Feels so strange. feeling body parts, seeing so many tubes, coming from me, shut my eyes and dream, horrible and demeaning, taunting and nasty, visualizing such disgust with myself, as to what I had become, my bowel on my stomach, how could this be. Open my eyes for salvation and escape.

Instead the curtains seem unreal, Become obsessed with the time, need a clock to time things, when can I give my self my next morphine shot, as pain over whelms me.

Close my eyes and dream, green grass, running water vivid, green leaves then open eyes to see curtains, and return to reality..   Hear voices, dark and strange, feel hungry, want a smoke, while spasms still occur,  this shocks me as I thought I hadn't thought of smoking while recovering, but obviously I had.

The pains worse than child birth, bed upright, so I don't fall asleep, need to get the pain down, write emergency notes for patients, it was already in my head to write a book for others to benefit from my misery. A way to deal with what was going on in my head.

Awoke swollen with pain, buzzer went off really loud, I am so groggy drifting in and out, not quite sure whether its reality or a blur,, hear voices, I think they are filming a doco on me , my every movement, on recovery, recording all that I do, I thought all the doctor's and nurses were actors. Then when I decided I didn't want to continue, I started saying my partner was coming to take me home at 7pm, when he didn't turn up I threw my clock out into the hall way, and lost all sense of control. fighting not wanting to return to reality, I wanted to stay in my world of illusion, where I felt safe and protected, but reality was trying to sneak back in.  I  recall the panic and screaming, but I don't remember them getting a security guard to take me to my own very private room.

I remember thinking I was about to die, floating so high, I wanted in my death to leave something behind, I wanted to achieve something which would be worthwhile for all the pain, that I hadn't died in vain.

I feel my brain sent me to a world of illusion, while it figured out how to survive.

I had had previous operations before, so I thought I could handle all that was thrown at me. But the pain was like no other, the colours and visions I saw, the dreams were all figments of my imagination trying to help me survive the night.

Now two year's later I appreciate what I have, I still get depressed and snap like a dragon at my partner, but h'is so gentle and understanding.

My partner sits quietly allowing me time to calm down,  he just listens quietly as I spill my heart, all my throught's and ambitions, my challenges and struggles, then I remind him of how wonderful he is and how much I appreciate him.

I am still very restricted, unable to walk very far, date 8th December 2010.

I wanted to record everything, my recovery, what I was going to go through, as I knew it was not going to be an easy journey.   I wanted it as a way of giving me hope and strength, something I could refer back to in the future, give me expecations and record achievements. Remind me of what I need to prepare for, when I undergo my reversal operation.

As I had had heartmans procedure, I knew very little about stoma's.

I was in horrific pain, with drips everywhere. A tube was down my throat, I had an oxygen mask on. Life was to be forever different.

At the time, when I went into my illusions. I thought my partner had arranged a tape for the nurse's to play, sweet encouraging word's to help me recover.

Instead it was a patients radio, I was unaware they had it on, so I could hear the music quietly in the background. The song intermingled with my visions. Sending me to worlds unknown.

I'm listening to the ipod, and burst into tears, when certain songs start to play, it triggers  something in my head. Far far away, memories start to come back, associated with the tune, when in my illusional state obviously this is the tune that sent me down a dark track, trying desperate to get back.

Wonder wall or wonder all by the band the blurs, is the song on at the moment, maybe, saves me, after all you’re my wonder wall, maybe your gonna be, all these words are relevant.     They just makes me cry.

While I listened to songs that bought memories back of pain and anguish, I just let my soul weep, and release all the pain trapped inside.

Obvious now that a radio had been playing next door when I slipped into my illusion.

Their was no clever scheme set up by Bryan, he hadn’t magically installed speakers to gently sooth me.    

The song love to dance, with my father again every night I fall by luther vancough, Dancing with my father, I had heard this and escaped into illusions about my own dad and family, songs triggered things, and set me down different paths in my illusions, like a giant jigsaw, which Im trying to piece back together.

My dad has long been dead, but sadly missed, as he was the love of my life.

Red hot chiilli peppers, I don’t ever want to feel like I did that day, take me to the place I love, take me all the way, another song that sends me to tears.

Song one way train on a one way track, worthwhile how on earth did I get so cheated, drowning, runaway train. This is how I felt, I remember illusions of destruction and no hope, trains crashing.

Mad man laughing just easier than feeling all the pain, neither here or there.

Just great rock on Haraki all love songs that I heard were in my illusion.

I now know that I compared myself to every lyric, associating it to my well being.

Song If it will all remain the same, just can’t take the pain feel the same.

Don't know who sings this, but it is in my head.

Chrissy Hines Ill stand by you, song from illusions.

Reading through the book and typing, it is so funny, this is obviously from illusion. Theirs little bits scattered all through the book,

541 sat YES is written in huge writing.

I think its from when I thought my partner had asked me to marry him.

In my illusion I had replied by writing it as big as I could then holding it up high over my head for the camera I thought was recording to see my reply.

I remember how happy I felt, It was the best moment of my life, yet not real.

A song obviously set me off, to another adventure, or an announcement of someone winning a raffle on the radio. I over heard.

I read on, yes we have done it Michelle, we had made it Michelle, lets set up shop, all our dreams can now come true.

If its true I've won a million dollars Micelles coming with me, It all seemed so real as I thought I heard people reply, cool.

I had even started to write a business plan, so strange, had written what I would need, budget control set up, I was going to have the most amazing mall, with all my friends, and other stall holders I knew.

We were all going to finally be successful with what ever our product was.

I'm writing now, I can see the shop weighed heavily on my mind, how was I going to survive this, I could feel the shop was drifting away out of my control. 

No one could run my shop or make my clothing while I recovered.

20 years of designing was being washed away with the tide.

My illusions are so obvious in this book, my writing is irrational and so large.

Its like I'm screaming for help, not able to cope with the pain.

I was being used for an experiment for sleep disorder.

My dreams I thought were being studied as to how much the body could tolerate.

Re entering the real world

I remember their was a nurse sitting on a chair outside my door.

I recall looking at her from my bed, feeling at ease, until she rose to enter the room, then I would go mental and yell at her, not to enter my room, that she wasn't my partner. Things were slowly coming back.

Calmness would return when she sat back down.

It all seems so unreal to me, while typing what I have recorded.

I kept waiting for my partner to appear and surprise me with flowers and an engagement proposal, but it was all in my head.

He wasn't even in the hospital.

There was no family watching, as I thought a documentary was in the making.

No one whispering in my ear that I was doing well and would survive.

No words of encouragement which I swear I heard, were given, as I struggled through the night, until all vanished and nothing was real any more.

Trapped in a world of illusion, still no recall of the day lost.

Just vague memories of illusions, and dreams.

I need to take a break now, as it is all so over whelming, but I will return and write another chapter.


A customer at the art centre. Lions tour






A customer made this quilt for me.