Light at the end of the tunnel
 

A day I shall never forget the 26th August 2009.

I remember waking in a hospital bed, the fear, looking around the room, totally unfamiliar of where I was.

Bewildered and confused, I just burst into tears, screaming from the bottom of my soul, so loud I am sure the whole hospital shook.

I remember thinking I was about to die, floating so high, I was so groggy drifting in and out, not quite sure whether its reality or a blur. Waking with a colostomy. 

Close my eyes and dream, green grass, running water vivid, green leaves then open eyes to see curtains, and return to reality.

I wanted to stay in my world of illusion, where I felt safe and protected, but reality was trying to sneak back in.  I  recall the panic and screaming, but I don't remember them getting a security guard to take me to my own very private room.

Friday night my angel nurse took off the oxygen mask, told me I was doing alright considering I only came in Wednesday.   Feels so strange. feeling body parts, seeing so many tubes, coming from me, shut my eyes and dream, horrible and demeaning, taunting and nasty, visualizing such disgust with myself, as to what I had become, my bowel on my stomach, how could this be. Open my eyes for salvation and escape.

I am still very restricted, unable to walk very far, date 8th December 2010.

I wanted to record everything, my recovery, what I was going to go through, as I knew it was not going to be an easy journey.   I wanted it as a way of giving me hope and strength, something I could refer back to in the future, giving me hope reading my recordings seeing my achievements. Remind me of what I need to prepare for, when I undergo my reversal operation.

As I had had heart mans procedure, I knew very little about stoma's.  All due to a Doctor's Blunder.

I'm listening to the ipod, and burst into tears, when certain songs start to play, it triggers  something in my head. Far far away, memories start to come back, associated with the tune, when in my illusional state obviously this is the tune that sent me down a dark track, trying desperate to get back.

Doctor's tell you oh you'll be back on your feet in six weeks, its been two years and I'm still unable to return to the markets, let alone be up on my feet for a whole day.

This tore my heart, I had lost what was my life line, sewing and selling, I got so much happiness communicating with my customers.

I miss this. Saturdays were always a day I looked forward to, especially when the mind body festival rolled around.

It was like a holiday rather than business.

When reality hit and I knew I had to cancel my stall, in march, I just drummed into my head, never mind you have six months to get ready for the next one.

Even tho my heart was heavy.

I held on to the future possibilities.

It was the first time in seven months, since my operation that I saw a rainbow at the end of the tunnel.

My life started to return, full of ambition and hope.

This wasn't going to keep me down, instead I had been given back my dreams and ambitions.


Its strange but I don't want to open another shop, life is to precious, I want to do it at my own pace, get back into gardening, visiting, concentrate on good health.

Instead I spent hours searching the internet. Housebound I decided not to feel sorry for myself.

I decided to turn the situation around to benefit me instead.

There was so much just waiting for me to achieve, its 4.45 in the morning, hardly slept with so much stuff running through my head.  Reading and learning all these new affiliate programs.  I had something to wake up to. Goals to achieve.

I just had to get up and start tying, its so exciting.

Yes it hit be hard and strong seven months after surgery.

Everyone experiences are so different it would be nice for people to be able to read as to how other people conquored there demons.

What there hospital stay was like, there thoughts on recovery when they first got a stoma.

How long it took, getting back into the work force, a job description of where you are at now. hobbies you achieve, gardening etc, etc, etc.


WHEN I was in hospital I had no knowledge about colostomy's, I just woke with my bowel on my stomach, my dr had mis dignosed me saying my ill health was due to early menopause.

I couldn't hold down food had hot flushes, and pain that ripped through constantly, this went on for a good year, I just thought it was the hand I'd been dealt so dealt with it.


So when my bowel  ruptured I was sent back to bed for two days with a hot water bottle.  When my partner checked in on me later.  My stomach was all burnt from me trying to make the pain go away.  I had place the boiling hot water bottle with no cover where the pain was.  Trying to sooth my pain.
 

I have replaced it with a wheat bag,  I will never use a hot water bottle again.

I just got to hospital in time, the doctor watched my stomach swell in front of his eyes, fulling with poison, so hartmen's procedure was performed. I woke with a tube down my throat, drainage bags every where, scared as hell, forced to shut my shop after 20 years.

I was desperate for information, there was no pre warning for me.


My whole world was ripped from under neath me.

So I wrote everything down, and now I am in the process of writing a book.

Its really scary reading what I endured, sends goose bumps down my spine, as its full of such raw emotion.

I still cry when songs come on the radio, that jogs my memory and reminds me that they were part of my illusion.

There words turned into my salvation. Helping me return to sanity, after a full day was lost.

My book title will be Think yourself lucky.

I want it to be truthful, and collect a source of information, on true life experiences.

I'm going to leave my footsteps in the sand, bring new awareness about colostomy's.


So when the next individual wakes like I did, there will be a resource they can turn to.

Full support and understanding, they wont be left in a dark lonely world, instead we will be there giving them a guiding hand and encouraging words.

Yes now on top of things the earth quakes hit in February 2011. 

This has put all surgery on hold. 

I allowed myself a few tears as I was exhausted  and tired.

Sick of my swollen stomach.

Sick of the pain shooting daily..

Sick of the restrictions put on my body.

Then I took a deep breathe reminded myself how lucky I am. 

I had transferred Maree Designs to trade me.co.nz  search member maree_designs. 

I had been fortunate in finding a new locations to set up my business again. 

A gorgeous house in Templeton.  I had my garden planted. Yes life was good, my internet business was taking off.  I was able to work at my own pace from the comfort of my own home. 

Some times days are harder than the previous. 

I just do what my body dictates, if it wants me to rest then I rest. 

Luckily there is always tomorrow. 

 

I go back into Hospital on Wed the 6th June 2012. 

Due to the Earthquakes, everything got put on hold. 

But they are paying for me to go private.

I am finally going to get my reversal.  Very scary as I recall my past operation.

I have a colostomy at the moment.

There is a 1 in 20 chance I will wake up with an ilostomy. 

I so hope I wake and I will have my stomach tucked back in, as it has been years of hell looking forever 8 months pregnant.. 

One good thing they will fix my herna, so I will be free of pain. 

The kids laugh when I tell them I have measured my stomach and it is 43 inches. 

The first thing I will do when I wake is measure myself. 

Yes I will be taking the tape measure in with me.

 

My Life line was  GDI and SFI.  When housebound and bored in 2009.
I did not see my investments as a waste of money. Instead I saw them as a life line. Giving me hope and goals.

GDI I discovered in 2009. Transferring my store to the internet. Using my GDI domain to design my SFI training website.

SFI is where I transferred my store. Setting up my own shopping ECA website. Connecting with over 100,000 members.

Making contact. Keeping my mind occupied. Able to earn a Second Income with their SFI Affiliate Program.

Playing their games keeping myself entertained. 

Well worth the investment for keeping myself Sane.  Giving me a purpose.

No more boring moments trying to fill in the day. Housebound and sore.

I wake up each morning with a new sense of achievement.  My mind is occupied, no time to dwell on the pain within.

 

After the Earthquakes in 2011. I lost everything. Needing to relocate and build my strength up once again.

This putting my reversal on hold. Due to all the earthquake damage. Operations were put on hold.

Then in 2012 I went private for my operation. Which was a success.

I took some time out then decided to  pick myself up in 2013. Starting over again from scratch.

Reactivating my SFI account. Getting back on track. Not looking back. Now I have a successful business once again.

Working from the comfort of home. No Colostomy. The reversal a success. Just stuck in Limbo for a few years.

 

 

 

 

 



 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you to the team from Rotorua.  It was so great after the earthquake to see you walk around the corner to check on whether I had enough supplies.

June 6th 2012.

My beautiful Mum and Aunty Eunice.  She was 85 when she passed away. Still beautiful. 

I am so pleased she slipped away quietly.  She had been dancing the previous Sunday.  Forever in my heart always.

 

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